Difficulties of accepting the differences between internal reality and external reality.

Learning to Live in Between When the Inside Doesn’t Match the Outside

When your internal reality begins to expand more quickly than the outside world, you experience a weird kind of grief. When you finally develop self-control, when you buy spinach because you believe your body needs to be taken care of, and when you drink water with lemons. Establish an everyday routine that includes journaling, lighting a candle before studying, and treating the sunrise as an appointment. You take all of these actions because you desire a life that is meaningful, gentle, and deserving.

When you go outside, the world doesn’t fit the person you’re growing into. The streets are in a mess. The surroundings smell like filth and smoke. Men are yelling at one another, toddlers are running barefoot across gravel, taxis are hooting, and plastic packages are floating in the breeze. You are constantly reminded of how much you desire serenity and how little your surroundings were meant to provide it. It turns into an unseen conflict between a lovely inner world and a harsh, noisy outer one.

On the internet, self-improvement is romanticized as quiet times, matcha powder, soft girl eras, and lavender plants in blossom on balconies. However, when you live next to a tavern, share walls with loud noises, and your neighbourhood is full of chaos, survival, and unemployment, nobody talks about attempting to be that person. While a couple is fighting in the street, you attempt to meditate. You walk through pollution to get to the gym and eat a salad while your neighbour sells kota. You establish routines in an environment where routines turn become crises. It takes resistance, not elegance, to better oneself in a harsh environment. It’s taking back your life from the systems, past, and situations that wish to hold you back. It’s about not letting the commotion shape who you are.

Growth can occasionally feel like betrayal. You worry about changing too much, leaving people behind, and desiring more than you were given. However, your spirit also laments the version of yourself that is confined by your environment. You’re caught between being too mature for your current situation and not quite where you want to be. Perhaps the solution is to acknowledge that you are in transition rather than trying to fit your two worlds together. Not everything in life changes at once. Sometimes, like a seed emerging beneath hard soil, it changes inside of you first, silently and doggedly. Even if it takes years, the outer world eventually catches up.

Until then, it is still victory to choose peace in a place that does not offer it. Eating well is still important when there is pollution. It’s still discipline to get up early on a busy street. It’s still art to romanticize your life in ruins. In order to be prepared when the outer world eventually changes, you are creating a world inside of yourself. Although the transition is difficult, it is not a sign of failure. It’s a change.

Lately shoutout to my friend Obontle who inspired this conversation.