The idea that life is incredibly, nearly intolerably complicated has been plaguing me lately. It feels heavy rather than poetic or constantly insightful and lovely. Like everything in life demands something from you at once.
For instance, friendships now involve more than just connection. They have layers such as communication, consistency, emotional intelligence, timing, and boundaries are all important considerations. You ask yourself things like, "Am I showing up enough? Do you understand me? Are we clinging to the past or are we developing together?’ Sustaining a friendship turns into a silent negotiation between your identity and the necessities of the connection.
Your career comes next. No matter how much we have been educated, it is not linear. It's full of self-evaluation and doubt. Am I trying my hardest? Am I choosing wisely? Is there a purpose to this route, or am I just moving because I can't stay still? You consider sustainability, if you'll still enjoy something in five years, and whether the decisions you make today will turn out to be regrettable. It's a never-ending balancing act between purpose and survival.
Another layer is added by family. You play roles with expectations because you are more than just a member of a family. You must be emotionally available, focused, and in the moment. A wonderful sister, amazing cousin, a helpful aunt, and a good daughter. You make an effort to be completely present for others while maintaining your composure. And occasionally, nobody truly understands how much that drains you at times.
Then there is love, the most delicate concept that has inexplicably grown to be the most intricate. There are times when I yearn for the most basic kind of partnership just simply spending time with someone. The coexisting in a common rhythm, growing together, and solving problems side by side. Glimpses of it appear effortless where young people in love, creating something together, laughing, and selecting each other on a regular basis.
However, it isn't because there is now a checklist involved in choosing someone that you didn't ask for. You consider their upbringing, financial management, communication style, self-perception, emotional availability, compatibility with your values, and the possibility of your futures coexisting. Nowadays, it's practically necessary to analyse love before you can truly experience it.
Your mental health starts to feel the effects of all of this. Because you begin to feel burdened by maintaining this level of awareness and constant consideration. It produces a subtle kind of pressure that lurks in the back of your mind and doesn't necessarily manifest loudly. You begin to feel overwhelmed because everything demands effort, intention, and decision-making rather than because something is drastically wrong.
Something more profound starts to take shape in that space which seems like the early stages of existence anxiety It was a persistent uneasiness rather than terror in the obvious sense. A sense doubting of everything. Am I in the right place? Am I evolving into the person I need to be? What happens if I do this incorrectly? What happens if I don't solve it in time? It's the type of anxiousness that stems from realizing how much your life depends on decisions you're still figuring out rather than from a specific circumstance.
It wears you out. However, it's also possible that this intricacy is a reflection of care, of purpose, of the wish to lead a purposeful life rather than an accidental one, to grow deliberately, to make good decisions, and to love deeply.
However, I believe it's acceptable to acknowledge that there are instances when it's simply too much. You don't always want to analyse your life. You don't want to evaluate your choices or doubt every course of action. Sometimes all you want is for things to feel soft. Yes. Easy.
There are moments when all you want is to exist without bearing all the burdens of life. But here is where we are for the time being. and to reflecting carefully and experiencing every emotion. Truly attempting to make sense of a life that defies simplicity. And silently praying that at some point it all starts to feel lighter.